


Donovan's Terrible Adventure

by BlackStatic



Series: Crackfics [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Other, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5263382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackStatic/pseuds/BlackStatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donovan is rudely awoken by a certain annoying dog to go on a road trip. This time it's not Quinn. </p><p>Crackfic written for Zrcalo-Sveta at deviantART.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Donovan's Terrible Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This is terrible. I'm not sorry.

Yo listen up. Here's a story about a little guy who lives in a red, white and blue world. All day and all night, everything he saw was just Quinn and Damien, tortmenting his grey ass. They were shitty roommates. Donovan put up with them because they kept the house clean and actually knew how to keep him fed. Kind of. Damien usually just tried to reach Narnia through the back of the fridge and Quinn liked to throw grapes at him to be a dick. Donovan was really getting the shits with Quinn about that.  
So one day, when the grey grump was moping about life and the eternal struggles of existence, there came a knock upon his bedroom door. Throwing an already broken bedside lamp at the wall, the Sukriot groaned and got to his feet, trying to shut up the fucking jerk who was still knocking.

“Who the fuck?”

“Yo.” The stranger replied. “I'm here to take you to somewhere magical.”

Whoop de fuckin' doo. One dog was bad enough. Now this long-haired hippie with... bug wings? This fucking... guy... was it a guy? This thing was standing in his doorway with a suitcase. Donovan blinked sleepily and scanned his bedroom floor.

All his clothes were missing.

“Yeah, you were too busy sleep talking so I decided to pack your shit already.”

“Hold on just one fucking minute!” Donovan glared, ready to send this bastard to next century. “Who the fuck are you and why are you in my room taking all my shit?”

“My name's Kaigan.” The dingo replied, grabbing the broken lamp and shoving it in a travel bag on his back. “Enough talking. Get in the car.”

“You're not explaining anything to me!”

The canine pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. Donovan bashed his head into the wall behind him. Wake up, wake up, fucking wake up already. When he opened his eyes, Kaigan was still there.

“Because,” the stranger said, taking Donovan by the arm and nearly ripping it out as he pulled them both through the door. “We have. To beat. Rush hour.”

“I'll beat you in a minute. Where the fuck are we going?”

“Oregon.”

Donovan threw his head back and screamed.

***

To be fair, Kaigan was pretty much just a less asshole version of Quinn. Maybe canines just had this recurring theme of being downright idiots, but the metrosexual mutt had at least pulled into a “servo” for breakfast. Weird Australian slang aside, Donovan leaned back in his seat, took one bite out of the gas station meat pie – deciding it was some inedible filth born from a cat's ass - and slumped against the filthy window of the stupid green kombi. His driver smirked, taking another puff from his joint and blowing a cannabis cloud at the dashboard.

“My lungs are decomposing from the inside.” The grey one whined. “I wish they would  
hurry up already.”

“So I was right.” Kaigan chuckled. “Everything else is already dead.”

“I am going to fucking castrate you.”

“You know how?” The dog raised an eyebrow. “Personal experience, right?”

“Hardly.”

The rest of the trip was pretty quiet. From one end of the arid US desert to the other, Donovan pressed his tired eyes against the window and stared at the endlessexpanse of nothing that pressed on for the next fucking millennium. When he did finally wind his window down to throw the barely eaten pie out, it hit one of Arizona's characteristic exploding cacti and the next thirty minutes were spent explaining to a very stoned driver that he wasn't hallucinating – at least Donovan thought he wasn't - and there were indeed things more fucked-up-deadly than Australia. The tortured alien began to wonder if Kaigan was just some stupid backpacker who wanted an American tour guide. 

Finally, the disaster duo began to see pine trees. Kaigan smirked, half choking on his own saliva, uttering the word “greeeeeeen” as they pulled into the small town of... Donovan didn't catch the sign. He didn't give a shit either; as long as he got to go home then this bullshit fiasco would somehow have meaning.

“Alrighty!” Kaigan flung open the driver side door, his stupidly long hair getting tangled in the seatbelt strap and tearing out enough to sober him up. “We're here!”

Donovan finally did give a shit when they pulled up at the Mystery Shack.

“Wait what the fuck?!”

“Welcome to Gravity Falls, Eridan.”

Donovan blinked.

AND THEN DONOVAN BECAME THE MAIN ATTRACTION AT THE MYSTERY SHACK AND KAIGAN WAS JUST ASSUMED TO BE OLD MAN MCGUCKET IN A SURPRISINGLY WELL MADE FURSUIT AND THEN BILL FORCED DONOVAN TO WEAR A LAMBY LAMB COSTUME AND DO A STRIPTEASE IN IT AND THEN DONOVAN WOKE UP AND REALISED HE FORGOT TO TAKE HIS MEDS THE END.


End file.
